....When fat hits the fan, she is no longer chic.
I'm serious, boys and girls and gheys.
Shit has hit the fan big time as in from size small to GIGANTIC!!!
From the day I joined the fashion media, I swore to myself to keep my dress size down to model/sample size so I could buy editorial samples. As it is, press sales in Asia are heaven for me in the shoe department because unlike in the west, girls here have small feet and samples are all 39/40 which is my shoe size.
In the Roger Vivier, Tod's and Hogan sales I let the tiny editors battle for the bags while I take my time with the shoes knowing no one will ever fit in them until some foreign (read: white or northern Chinese) editor shows up. Then I take all the boxes to one corner.
However, in the dress department: As the years went by, I started to expand but still to a bearable point of being able to wear samples made up in stretch fabric.
Why, last winter I was still able to squeeze into Italian 40 white ski pants from Fendi. (Of course I had to get the matching white mongolian lamb Yeti boots and black mink ear warmers)
I was still a size 6 at Nathan Jenden before Christmas. Fitted. As in Roland Mouret/Victoria Beckham fitted. Dress AND pants.
Before the summer I was a medium at Sabina Swims for bikins and a 40 at Eres for bathing suits. Being a medium was the bad omen of a rapidly increasing waistline.
BUT ON WEDNESDAY I suddenly expanded to a point of embarrassment at the Loewe sale when I couldn't get into SSS---TT--R--E--T--C--H jodphurs AND crocodile belts!!
AND YESTERDAY I was up to a size 10 at DVF for a wrap dress!! (I screamed in shock in the dressing room) As in silk jersey!! I'm really going to have a word with Diane and Nathan about their sizing. Either that or kill myself this weekend. (But wait, I just bought four new dresses at DVF, an ostrich bag and cashmere sweaters at Loewe)
But then again, that might not be a good idea because when I couldn't squeeze into a French 38 at Lanvin in Taiwan, the salesgirl told me that I needed a girdle.
When I ran into Madame Wang Shaw Lan, the owner of Lanvin, I told her this and that her sales staff should be better trained with customer relations because you can't possibly tell a thin customer to wear a girdle.
She looked at me from face to chest to stomach and said, "Maybe you SHOULD!"
I realized there are certain samples that still fit me....those from the MEN'S collections!!
I have to admit I didn't want to just leave Fendi with one, no, two..okay--so much more items ---last winter so I also bought a MEN'S --men's!!--grey flannel coat.
It was voluminous enough to hide Andre Leon Talley and his tennis kit.
As they say in Espanol, que horror la gorda (fat)!!!
It has only been 15 years since I was last called esquelita lumbera (skeleton).
What a difference 15 years makes. (15-20 tonnes/inches, perhaps?)
For a fashionista in the media, going up one size is the difference between life and death.
And there are only TWO (two!) WORDS that would make me stop eating and exercise until I'm thin enough for UN Food Aid: Buy retail.
Next week, I continue yoga and go back to three times a week Pilates and I'm adding twice a week swimming. Hopefully by October I'll be too thin and too weak to type.
BUT I'll get to wear samples again!!