LET US SPRAY 2---ay totoong pray ngayon...

The last fervent prayer I said was sometime in 1984/85 which was a Novena to the Infant Jesus of Prague to help me pass Spanish and Math exams. For over 20 years, I have not been in speaking terms with my Maker/the Universe simply because I have learned to believe in myself since the divine 'Help Line' was always busy or disconnected. I also had no bargaining powers so I would leave praying to other people who do it better.

Begging really got me nowhere.

However, for the first time in 30 years, I bought myself to say a prayer of thanks last Thursday night when I realized that my husband could have been one of those people in Mumbai. He was there exactly one week before this catastrophe.

My husband goes to India very often--maybe every other month--and stays either at the Taj or the Oberoi. When at the Oberoi he stays on the 19th floor, the very floor where hostages were held. He also holds a UK passport. The Mumbai staff also happened to be in HK this week so they escaped this (but they still have family there).

I look at this as a return call from God (maybe he finally fired his bitch secretary who never gave him my messages).

I guess this must be a sign for me to get back down on my knees at the time when they give me the most problems.

Well, as they say, better late than never!

..And now I wed you Money and Wife so help you God...

Since we are on the topic of social survival that involves gold-digging, social climbing, back stabbing, pepper and bullet spraying, I would like to recommend the book that should be THE REFERENCE guide for all those who REALLY have to WORK 24/7 for da mullah:
THE FORTUNE HUNTERS: Dazzling Women and the Men They Married
by Charlotte Hays

In it you will discover the secrets behind social climbing, gold digging and reinvention by international bold faced names. None of them used pepper spray to win their men and quite a few did manage matters 'amicably' as Ricardo Po likes to do... (kilala mo ba ako?) These women make Madonna's Re-Invention Tour look like a school musical. They make Philippine gold-diggers and social climbers we know look like scavengers on Smokey Mountain.

They can only be labeled BIG GAME HUNTERS.

The book opens with "Prospecting for Gold: What Kind of Woman Does It Take?"
-Believe me, if I read this book earlier and followed everything, I wouldn't be doing lowly blogging. Instead, I would be fitting at the couture and living in various homes around the world.

This juicy book is very easy to read and organized by 'personality.' Of course you can read Thackery's Vanity Fair but this is easier (even the movie sucked!).

Learn to be a 'calculating optimist' not fixated on the past. In other words, MAKAPAL!

Read about Jackie O (Never liked her), Ivana Trump (NOT a gold digger as many think), Melania Knauss (also not a gold-digger but rather very lucky), Arianna Huffington (from pillow-biting husband to Democartic powerhouse), Carolyn Bessette, Georgette Mosbacher (founder of La Prairie), Princess Diana (Never liked her, either---simply an idiot with no sense of duty and too much Hollywood), husband stealers Mercedes Bass, Pamela Whore-riman and the queen of them all, Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor who may have had the best jewels and made the best-dressed lists but STILL looked more manly than her husband. (I'm just jealous)

Whether I like the women profiled or not, over all, I admire them greatly and really wish that I could have done the same. But then here I am....

Siya--I have to feed the dogs and my husband (not at the same time), mag-microwave pa ako, mag-lalaba pa ako...

If I was a Fortune Hunter we wouldn't be having this conversation. I wouldn't even be talkin' to you-s.

HELP! THE PATOLA VINE WON'T SHADDAP!!!

Q: WHAT DOES ANGELU DE LEON HAVE IN COMMON WITH PEPPER SPRAY AND SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY?
A: A LOT! (and there's going to be a whole lot of shakin' going on after you read this post! And I ain't talkin' booty!)
This is going to be a long and complicated post so you better make a cup of tea and sit down to read it.

Let me open this post be saying that thanks to MY SOS-YAL RESPONSIBILITY, I decided to abandon my plan of going to the 90% off Chloe sale. Instead, I dashed home to write before I forgot everything that I found out at lunch today.

Are we ready for Heard at Lunch with the patola vine who refuses to shaddap? I know Prince Charles advocates talking to plants but this plant really needs to shut its venus fly trap because it's catching so many insects!

This post is all about the whole truth about the pepper sprayer (and more) and nothing but the truth so help us Buddha if you are not busy with the Dalai Lama.

There is so much information that I have decided to break the story down into character segments. Think "LOST"

THE WHOLE TOWN SKIPPED TO MY LOU EXCEPT AN-GE-LU

On a regular bitchy day I would be the first to artista-bash any movie star in a black bikini with sparkles. But this time, I will have to award the Bill Clinton Responsibilty Initiative to ANGELU DE LEON.

If Ari Gold was her agent, she would have a contract at Paramount now.

WADDAP?? You social climbers ask.

WHELLL---the patola (or PATROLA at the rate she's going) says that when Let Us Spray (see entry of 19 November 2008) happened, the only person who helped 'da victims' get to the hospital was Angelu de Leon.

I'm not saying 'da victims' is free of sin like me (hahaha!) but based on the situation, she deserved help from as many people as possible. AND at least from the club management (who were probably too doped up or blind-dead?).

(Of course, if she was stealing a 20,000 HKD dress, then she's on her own)

Not helping may not be embarrassing but it is downright disgusting and a reflection of the pretentious societal behaviour one can expect from a segment of society for whom appearances and connections really matter, no matter the situation.

The Bitch-alyzer asks: Were people blinded by the spray, blinded by the lights, blinded by the coke or just pretending to be blind because they were afraid to offend 'da addicts'--ay este--- sprayer and the lover of sprayer? (Nagtatanong lang po)

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER

If Angelu de Leon wins the Responsibility prize, PaPa, as we know and love to call her, wins the Anna Wintour Frenemy Prize for Ultimate Pretense in the category of Violence.

This one really spices up a pepper spray story.

Supposedly, that fateful night when people lost sight of all social responsibility, PaPa came up to hug 'da victims' then brought out the pepper spray and (seriously) nearly blinded her.

Why was PaPa paranoid? It seems like the lover of the sprayer (let's call him Rico PunO, baby) went to Boracay with 'da victims' and a group of friends at a time when his affair with PaPa was na-papalpak na.

But now everything is perfecto after she shot down his wife's house....(more on that later)

WANTED DEAD OR SECOND HAND

It seems like violence (together with drugs, drink and gambling of course) runs in la Famiglia PaPa. But kids, remember I have nothing against vices as long as you don't use my money or use my house.

Few years ago, PaPa Bro' killed people (or someone?) over the sale of a second hand car (a mini van or Straz???--alam mo naman ako, I don't know about cars bec nag-pa-public lang ako) which he refused to pay for because he had more important debts to take care of.

NO, non, no... NOT CITIBANK debts! Worse! Gambling debts!

After stealing and killing PaPa Bro' is now 'somewhere over the rainbow....'

Your guess is as good as mine. I bet he's in Vegas with Elvis, Dodi and Diana....Maybe he's even with the car!

The Bitch-alyzer moral: Never sell a second hand car to a gambler or drug addict especially if they can't pay you up front because there is a good chance that you will first lose your car (to him), your money (to him again) and your life (yet again to him)....Isn't THAT giving too much away?

But pa yung Chloe 90% off but this is a bad-ass give away!!

KILALA MO BA AKO?

The last time the late Inday Badiday asked a kid this question on her show she got this answer.

"Opo, bakla po kayo..."

But this has nothing to do with my story....or does it?

Strike One: Da word on da street is that 'da victims' wanted to file charges but da RIco PunO threatened her with, "Do you know who I am? I am the biggest de-lata company of the Century! We can everything and can stop you from doing anything..." The only thing they can't can is coke. Or they can't stop coke..Or they can't stop....Ay may Coke in cans na pala!!!

E-strike Two: Doble Cara

A make-up artist was hired to do make-up for the model (a mermaid?)of a commercial for the de-lata company (I hope this guy was paid unlike Juan Sarte of the SPLASHY cover-ad deal--is it a deal if talent wasn't paid? Ask Ari Gold).

THEN suddenly a chopper lands at the location and PaPa and RIco PunO come down and demand that PaPa gets her make-up done, too. At no extra charge.

The Bitch-alyzer wonders: Are commercial make-up artists mow doing two for one na parang Happy Hour?

Strike Three: wala pa but the following topic will surely be a BIG HIT in more ways than one.

GIRLZ IN DA 'HOOD

I didn't know 'the villages' have become 'hoods because the patola vine tells me that PaPa conducted a drive-by shooting outside the house of d'orig Mrs. RIco PunO.

I wonder if that was just practice. Or maaay--beee it was 'an accident' like the pepper spray event.

But then PaPa has also threatened the sister of Mrs RIco PunO who teaches yoga.

Alam niyo, baka kailangan ni PaPa mag-yoga para she can attain enlightenment, calm and peace of mind instead of giving people a piece of her mind through violence.

The Bitch-alyzer wonders: Did PaPa run out of pepper spray and resort to bullets or did she run out of bullets and resort to pepper spray?

Didja get everything? That's IT! The patola vines get locked in the greenhouse never to come out....until Monday!

UNCERTAINTY AND CYBER BULLIES

Readers of this blog may not exactly be dropping off the Rich List (because they were never on!) nor have they exactly seen their net worth halved in a few days. You may not even know (or care) about the opinion of Jim Rogers who believes the US dollar is "a flawed, maybe even doomed currency." His Hollywoed-length CV: banking guru, author of "The Investment Biker" and "The Adventure Capitalist," sold his 15 M USD NY house and moved to China with his family.

BUT I do try to look for stories in the business pages that apply to our lives of petty gossip and (mis)information.

The Analysis page of today's Financial Times has a sidebar by one of my favourite journalists, John Kay (he of the 'I'd rather walk than take Alitalia..." quote). Here are a few paragraphs that apply to us not only in finance and economics but moreso in general information---read: news and 'current' events in the genre of www.donavictorina.blogspot.com and www.delfindjmontano.blogspot.com. I would like to think my books are part of this crystal balling of society.

My mother used to (still does!) harp about my negativity and my opinions that question people's credibility, etc. Good examples---When the former burger-flipper was going out with Patricia Borromeo, he could do no wrong. Then he turns around and married Her Royal Whiteness. Others that have 'come out of the termite-infested woodwork"---Yoyo Tan, Alicia Santos-Daniels (perhaps he would like to check what his staff uses as reference to 'learn' more about their boss), The Nivera Twins, Corinna Caballero, and others too toxic to mention. I rest my case.


Anyway, back to John Kay and the future of the world:

"....Extrapolation assumes that the future will be like the past, only more so. We project current preoccupations--the rise of China and India, global terror, climate change, (blogger comment: the increasing number of baduy people on earth)---with exaggerated speed and to an exaggerated degree.

"We forget that our preoccupations change. The people who worry about these issues today would 20 years ago have worried about the coming economic hegemony of Japan and the cold war. These issues were resolved in ways that few predicted....

(blogger comment: Like who knew that the internet would be so powerful a tool in organizing and disbanding groups, disseminating information and smearing reputations?)

"Still, you might think there would be large rewards for those who succeed in anticipating these events. You would be wrong. (blogger comment: If only I knew!) People who worried before 2000 that the 'new economy' was a bubble, or warned of the terrorist threat before Sept 11 2001, or saw that credit expansion was out of control in 2006, were not popular. They were killjoys.
(blogger comment: When my husband decided to sell our London flat, I felt worse than London on a rainy day....But now, I am very grateful)

"Nor were they popular after these events. If these people had been right, then others had been blind or negligent,and the latter preferred to represent themselves as victims of unforeseeable events. (blogger comment: I am JUST WAITING to see the getting high society fall then let's see who will be the real victims) As John Maynard Keynes observed, it is usually better to be conventionally wrong than unconventionally right." (blogger comment: uh..oh...too late for me!)

Thus, I think the truthfulness and frankness of Gorrell and Amiel have made great inroads in creating a revolution on the blogosphere at least for Philippine readers and the diaspora. Perhaps people now want to know about what USED TO BE conventionally wrong??

OH YES---the photo....I forgot--the most important thing!!!

Heard along the patola vine (because yesterday, for my 8th wedding anniversary --Im NOT COPYING chuvaness, okay??---I didn't have lunch out, instead ate leftover (chicken)shepherd's pie) -----Gorrell has closed his blog temporarily because he is tired but more likely 'sick and tired' of cyber bullies.

I cannot say it enough but I hate cyber bullies who hide behind pseudonyms or anonymity. It is the worst form of cowardice.

IMPERIAL EXPERIENCE

The writing area that looks out to the soon to be opened (6-Indian months) Six Senses spa. What I saw was a construction site. They also have a fantastic pool.

I love how they used pale rugs on pale marble floors.

You-s must be tired of hearing me talk about India so this will be my last post on India for the year.

I normally don't discuss hotels but I had such a great experience at the Imperial in Delhi that I feel I have to blog about it. This is the CHEAPEST room at the Imperial and it comes with a dressing room bigger than my guest bathroom in HK. The room also has a beautiful bathroom kitted with exclusive jasmine-based bath amenities. (I don't have a photo because I didn't take good ones)

And unlike most hotels, their turn-down service is a REAL turn-on turn-down complete with fresh towels and jasmine burner.

The thing about India, and don't say I didn't warn you, is that you should either go super cheap or super expensive. By the pictures, you know which one I chose. I have some friends who went the 'moderate' route and they didn't even get a hairdryer or a proper mattress. At least they had a car.

The great thing about the Imperial, built by Edward Lutyens in 1911 or 1920s (??), is that it is a historical hotel in the Raffles tradition--grand expansive verandah, well-maintained gardens, lots of birds. Much of the art that decorate the hotel are originals and there is even a wooden chair used by King George V during his coronation in India. Few people know of the chair's provenance so you can see these bumbais sitting on it while talking on the phone.

Their restaurant, The Spice Route, is abso-fuckin-lutely drop dead glam, gorgeous, fabulous, OTT, artistic, religious, etc. Indoors and outdoors, it does not disappoint. Well, it has to be if it took 7 years to complete! It is indeed an experience like no other. It is SO GAY!!

(http://www.theimperialindia.com/)

If tradition is not to your taste, you'd probably like the Oberoi which many Chinese and Singaporeans prefer (hint!hint! gold and black). But most locals would recommend The Imperial. It is like the Manila Peninsula to the Oberoi's Shangri-la.

WHERE DID GORRELL GO?

TO ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS AND GHEYS who have been asking me what happened to Papa Brian's blog, here is what I know not from the patola vine or the grape vine...excuse me, but from the Di-vine-- Brian Gorrell his-self.

1) www.delfindjmontano.blogspot.com is TEMPORARILY closed. Dat means it will open again but when, we don't know. Gorrell really needs a break and is working on a new blog template (yet again! already!) while I am still trying to work my blog. Juice ko!
(I think the Mayans were right--the 'information/technology gap' is fast closing into 21 days and I still don't know how to use a phone camera!)


2) Although he loves the Philippines and our getting high society scandals have catapulted him to fame, he is going to start a global blog which will center on HIV/AIDS advocacy. It should launch on International HIV/AIDS Day.
(baka secret pa ang URL pero get this---PP rin ang initials...o, di ba??)

3) Papa Brian is also trying to gain some weight which is not exactly my kind of problem. But it is THE problem of HIV and cancer patients. Which reminds me....
I had lunch with one of my editors who is sort of a cancer survivor (five more years she reckons) and she said...SHE SAID okay, NOT ME.. that the best part of having cancer was that she was size 0-2 and she could buy all the samples. Now that she is back to her old weight, she just got depressed at the Ferre-Cavalli sale yesterday. (o--five years to go nag-sha-shopping pa..)

Heard at lunch sadly not at the Ivy but NOT from the patola vine, either. More like the premiere cru Le Montrachet grapevine: It seems like the Estee Lauder Company (c/o Aerin Lauder) is planning a Bollywood-themed new fragrance launch in India.

Privilege in an underprivileged country...

Since we were so RUDELY interrupted by Pa Pa (para-ting paranoid) and her weapons of mistress destruction, I forgot to post these two pictures I took at the Lodi Gardens in Delhi.

(Of course we know the one who was REALLY RUDELY interrupted was --as Ate Vi would say----"...the victims and not the addict..." You-s feels me?)

The LODI GARDENS seem to be something like Delhi's Rizal Park except that it was built in 1936 around a series of tombs and mosques built in the 1400s and 1500s. Look at these kids playing amidst the dramatic ruins. What a privilege to be surrounded by such history! (I think they are from private schools because they are in uniforms and I heard some English. That sosyal girl lying down in the foreground even brought her own carpet to lie on!!!)

I always think it is such a privilege to work, live or study in historic places but people like my husband who went to a boarding school established in the 1400s seem to find this ordinary. In London he also works in a relatively old building but so does everyone.

They find it so ordinary that when we went to his cousin's estate in the country, and I asked what it felt like to live in such an old manor, the wife said to me, "This house is not that old...only 100 yrs old. The gardens are only from 1912 and that chair you are sitting on is as old as the house and the favourite of that guy in the painting." (and the paintings of their relatives are old that I swear their eyes follow you!)

Of course, I jumped off the seat but couldn't find anything from Ikea to sit on....

In many ways, India is like the Philippines but with 1000x more people and about 100x dirtier. There are not only LOTS of stray dogs sleeping ON the ROADS but also goats and cattle that roam the streets.

There was a sign at Lodi that said "Keep dogs on leash" with a pile of stray sleeping dogs underneath it. I didn't dare take a photo because if those dogs woke up and attacked me, the second to the last place I want to be in is in an Indian hosptital.

The first place I DON'T want to be is in an Indian jail.

The bathrooms are about as bad as Pinoy public toilets so that wasn't really a challenge for me since I paid my way to use the handicap loo which was STILL HORRIFYING!! Sometimes the flushing could pose a problem especially when the bucket they give you to flush the loo with has a hole and by the time you try to throw water into the toilet, there's nothing left but a drop. Spitting would have yielded more liquid.

You couldn't even cover the hole in the bucket because only Shiva knows where that water came from! And I gotta tell you, it ain't holy....

(This also happens sometimes in some places in Indonesia, where everyone looks like Max Alvarado or Ritchie d Horsey)

LET US SPRAY

I may be too busy to write entries between and on my travels but this ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTE-LY can't wait. In fact, as I write, my masseuse is waiting for me in my living room.

HEARD AT LUNCH:

As we all know, a second wife or a mistress has to try harder particularly if the man left his family for her. However, I wonder if the use chemical weapons count in this effort to maintain the status whose quo did not belong to you to begin with.

The lunch patola vine at Andok's tells me that a socialite from a prominent Philippine family (family NAME is associated with jewellery) who also ALLEGEDLY STOLE a 20,000 HKD VERSACE gown from a press rack in Hong Kong (that's YET ANOTHER STORY) sprayed pepper spray on another woman she suspected of having an affair with her current partner.

(Take note, partner. NOT husband because said socialite-stealer-sprayer is a mistress who---you guessed it!--the man left his family for)

Are you still with me?

The socialite, let's call her PP (for permanently paranoid), used the weapon of mistress destruction on yet another buena familia woman.

My, my...these buena familias aren't lookin' too buena to me no more.....

The pepper spraying was done in the Fly area of the famous Yoyo Tan gambling den posing as an embassy. Of course, I have never been hip enough to be admitted and as you know, with a lot of my gossip, I am merely the messenger.

So please lang, DO NOT pepper spray the messenger......

Supposedly everyone was crying their eyes out not from the disgracefulness ot sadness of the affair but because of the pepper spray that permeated the air.

Everyone ended up leaving.

Well, wouldn't you? Being very environmentally conscious, I never use any aerosols in my house.

Of course, the patola vine gives unbiased information and we were told (what else?) :

'It was an accident."

(This is also what people say when a house burns, a ship sinks or a car runs over a herd of carabaos. It was an accident)

I have two questions for the ladies who lunch :

1) Does one really go around town carrying pepper spray? (You know, like just in case you run into a woman who MAY be sleeping with the man you stole from someone else?)

2) If you had to spray something in a an area called FLY, wouldn't you choose to use fly spray?

Nagtatanong lang po....

This reminds me of a hair pulling incident between a former finance minister's wife and (again) a woman SUSPECTED of having an affair with her husband.

So many suspects, so little time.... Oh my gas--hindi gas----pepper spray pala!

THE BLOG CHALLENGE

My, my...I think I have asked for more than I could handle. The www.donavictorina.blogspot.com blog is on fire with the fabulous (read: Bryan Boy) and the fertilizer issues (what a combination) while Chuvaness has been shopping in Tokyo and back.

Meanwhile, I have done nothing with this blog because a) I have been away b) I have been on deadline and c) help is not on the way but on vacation.

Excuses, excuses and there will be more from December until February.

Before I do the dishes and take the dogs out for their midday walk, I would like to report that I had a great time in Delhi the original land of 'walang barya' and bad drivers---The Pinoys and Indonesians HAD to learn from the Bumbais). Just look at me grinning like an idiot getting my henna done at my friend's glam garden party at the Imperial. (More on that fab hotel later!)

Now I can understand why when I tell my husband our maid is on vacation he would say, "WHAT? Nora is going to be away?? (usually followed by AGAIN??). Then I'll just go to Delhi."

Because this is the land of 'no barya' and many visitors do not know that, my driver kindly asked me if I needed to borrow money from him. The first thing I thought was, "Naku land of the 5-6 ---baka-ma-5-6 pa ako ng driver dito..."

(Hopefully) more tomorrow but it will just be my review of Batman and Mama Mia from the plane movie archives since I don't get to go to the cinema and I don't know how to work our DVD.

BARONG BADO

I never thought I would see the day that I would highly recommend not one but TWO restaurants with NO AIR CONDITIONING. Both are in my latest favourite town, Siem Reap.

No. I take that back. My super-latest favourite country is Lebanon because you can ski, visit vineyards, ancient ruins and monasteries all in one town whose name I forgot so it probably can't be THAT important.

My husband says living in Cambodia and Lebanon will lower my glamour quotient considerably.

But who's counting?

The SINGING TREE (see photo above) is certainly not for the glam (or the glam at heart--in other words, mga 'feeling') The restaurant has a natural garden setting with a balcony upstairs. It serves all organic food and I highly recommend the local favourite, Amok which is fish stewed in some kind of local curry.

It is full of white people so you know they are not going to be switching on airconditioning soon.

The only white person who requires aircon 24 hours is my husband who moonlights as a heater.

BUTTERFLY CAFE AND BAR is home to over 1500 butterflies all bursting with splendid colour in a garden surrounded by fine netting. Go before 4PM which is butterfly bedtime but if you want to escape the heat and enjoy happy hour amidst tranquil surroundings, go between 4-6PM for drinks and foot baths.

Remember to bathe in sunscreen and mosquito cream! and bring a portable aircondition--hahahaha

If the heat is killing you and like me, Air Con wins over Al Gore any day, go to the lounge/bar framed by a local contemporary art gallery at the super-chic Hotel de la Paix. The gallery is curated by Don Protasio, a Pinoy, he of the designs being sold at the stylish One Hotel in the Old Market.

I have Quentin in this post because I want to make a point about foreigners wearing national costume. Quentin, not much of a looker, at least wears our barong right. (but no one beats Ferdinand Marcos, the real McCoy) I was in Jakarta last week with some foreign journalists and a few of them tucked in their batik shirts.

A tucked in batik shirt merely screams tourist.

A tucked in barong is not only a fashion crime but a disgrace.

Don't get me started on Gloria Arroyo and the terno unless we are in Disneyland where I can use Dumbo as reference.

HEARD AT LUNCH

This will certainly make a SPLASH!! (maybe because there is a soap star involved)

Pinoy TV soap star formerly not very good looking (but surgery has done wonders) who was supposedly slapped with tax evasion years ago appeared on the cover of a mega fashion publication.

(okay--it's Juday, the star, that is)

Nothing strange about that. (I've done worse because I have featured Jolina)

The magazine hired a fabulously talented and professsional make-up artist for this cover.

(Clue: He's gay. But what the-fag?)

Nothing strange about that.

The magazine credited the make-up used as some SPLASHY make-up brand.

Nothing strange about that.

Then they ran the cover as advertising.

NOW THAT IS MEGA-STRANGE!!!

Every editor worth their bag of freebies and press rack knows that a cover is a cover and an ad is an ad and never shall the two meet especially when it comes to budget.... well, except for the old Asian Tatlers where the ads covered almost the entire cover.

WHAT IS EVEN STRRAANGER IS that the make-up artist may have been paid very little if at all because many do it for free and for the publicity with the hope that THEY LAND HIGH PAYING COMMERCIAL WORK!

You feels me?

Unless she has some Splashy contract, there is a chance higher than the USD going to Php 25 at 1990s rates that Juday may not have been paid at all. But I heard from the patola vine Nora, that Juday got a beautiful two-carat diamond ring (Siguro mas malaki pa sa 'yo, ma'am. Thanks. Remind me to hold your bonus). Hindi naman kami sosyal like Vic Agustin who has a grapevine.

But does the em-yaks artiste have a ring?

Sadly no, just a ring tone.

Heard at lunch but this was ages ago because my memory, like my French teacher, fails me

Remember the days when a supermarket catering to the upper class had so little stock that their shelves were empty? Not refrigerator-of-a-singleton-empty but Robert-Mugabe-Zimbabwe-on-the-BBC empty.

WHELL!! Seems like payment to the suppliers were not as overflowing as the glamour of their new luxury emporium in Greenbelt 5.

Anyway, I ADORE everything at G5 so you guys start guessing which shop is the phoenix risen from the ashes.

Inquiring minds want to know the answers to questions (There are also answers to prayers but that's not my department. It's down the hall).

The answer is: Man-o-Man ('Man' naman siya, di ba?)

Have Some Bitch Crackers!

Who is manning the deposit counter? (or in his case, withdrawals)

The question is: YOU FIGURE it out this time because I'm tired of asking!

'Yan lang pow.

Until next week because this checkua leaves for Bumbai land sooner than you can count 5-6.

Not quite the diplomat

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that indeed Aga M. is NOT quite the diplomat yet when I went to a bookstore in the Prince's Building asking my friendly neighborhood Pinoy booksellers if they were going to the Aga show, this is the reply I got.
"Alam mo naman Ma'am nandito si Lord Patten sa Linggo. Siyempre mas gusto namin makita si Aga. Kung wala sna si Lord Patten nandiyan na kami kay Aga....."

HOKAY---in other words, if you had a choice between choosing to meet Aga M. or the last governor of HK, former EU commissioner for foreign relations and current chancellor of Oxford University, of course you would choose Aga...Would you?

Ask Kofi Annan.

Lord Patten is addressing the FCC (Foreign Correspondents Club) at a sold out dinner in HK tomorrow but I am sure he will not get the pandemonium Aga caused even if he wrote Not Quite the Diplomat which made my husband laugh out loud. He certainly doesn't do that when watching Wow-wowee.

In fact, he doesn't 'get it.' This is why we will never qualify for the quiz segment.

Heard at lunch (if Vic Agustin can do the grapevine, I should be able to do lunch):

Social climbing ex-pat head (puti to you and me) of the Philippine office of one of the biggest banks in the world, with HK and EU (okay--sige clue: UK) head offices, seems to think that maintaining and developing client relations is not imporant. (Of course it's not PNB, BDO, DBP, LGT, DBS, UPS, FYI, BTW.... pero OMG!! initials rin ang pangalan....but aren't they all except for Banque Rothschild?? hahaha!!! )

You know the type--The white guy who is SIMPLY DELIGHTED he is a super-star VIP in a turd world country who makes the social pages when in his hometown he probably wouldn't even make the county police circular--- beats living with sheep in Shropshire! baaa..baaa...

After receiving complaints about the bank's unprofessionalism, he went as far as telling a potential new client to take his business to another bank.....(like next door's BPI?)

BUT the slick-haired, relatively distinguished European (read: old and well, you ARE comparing him to Giordano-wearing Pinoys and not exactly London City types in Anderson and Sheppard) kisses up and apologizes to the likes of Yoyo Tan (thanks to a call from the bank for late payment and the caller calling him a bakla--e--kung totoo...what can you do? Lie about your balance or im-balance?)

In fairness naman, he did call the potential client to apologize for his behaviour....

AFTER he found out WHO the client WAS.

O--- good service naman di ba?
But Andok's might be a tad better.
Sino sha?
Sha--sige, being a chekua I have to count pa the few cents I have under my banig....

AGOG OVER AGA

Don't we just LUUURVE the concept behind this photo?? hahahaha!!

I never knew I would ever write something on Pinoy showbiz but I sense major changes in my life -- no, NOT taking Ricky Lo's job or liposuction but God knows I need a brain transplant.

Aga M. (I don't want to get into spelling bec I already had a problem googling this) was here in HK for a show in Wanchai yesterday to promote SunCellular-Smartone.

Maraming Salamat, Ate Pat sa SunCellular for the free tickets delivered directly to me in HK.

I gave my maid the tickets and who wooodda THUNK that sending her there would lead to a heated marital exchange without the subject/s even being present or knowing about it?

It was very difficult to get into the stadium because the crowd was out of control as early as 2-3PM. The show was at 330 PM and by 4Pm, I received several SMS messages from my maid saying things like.

"We can't get in even with the tickets," "the lines are so long," (I think HK Immigration's are shorter) "the police are here, (what else are they doing on a Sunday?), "may nahimatay na maid.." (as usual) 'nagwawala ang mga DH.,"( as usual) "walang seats," (what was this, the MTR?) "hindi nag-e-english ang mga pulis" (I think it's bec we are in China), 'nagco-complain ang mga nag-bayad," (wouldn't you??) etc.."etc...

Unfortunately for me (and my husband), the messages and beeps were interfering with The Wire. Nothing, not even death, recession or robbery, interferes with The Wire.

But Aga M. indirectly did.

We watch The Wire with subtitles because both I and my British public-school educated husband can't understand 'hood-speak. Unfortunately it isn't one of the Romance Languages. "Where you at? Bitch, riding with my homies in da 'hood..." does not exactly qualify.

We also need subtitles for Texan, heavy New Yoik and Southern American accents and Cockney.

Basically we need subtitles for everything in English except Curb Your Enthusiasm and Entourage. But we rewind a lot.

So when Nora's Pinoy texting (another form of subtitling) was interfering with The Wire, my husband had this final say ---aside from 'Just tell her to push her way in and wait for the show to start!"

"Pinoys are always nag-wa-wala...Did she think you gave her tickets to Yoyo Ma at the HK Performing Arts? Tell her that it is more like Araneta Coliseum. "

After that, we switched to the extremely long and boring "The World at War."

Does that tell you anything?

Anyway, after all that, the only thing Nora could say to me when she came home was, "Guapo si Aga."

What does that tell you?

(NOT) THE COLOR PURPLE

Before we discuss my encounters with poverty and the turd world (since I am about to spend this weekend in Delhi), let us discuss the wines of Burgundy or Bourgogne to the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

I am doing this is because I don't want to hear "What do you learn from Kitty's blog?"

"Nutthin..."

So today I am giving you the the Hollywood one-page story summary or the cheat sheet for the internet generation on Burgundy. And for the fashionistas, out there, no, this is NOT one of the brownish-red shades in a Pantone guide.

On the day the Asian markets dropped by 13%, I went to a wine tasting involving 13 wines from Burgundy. God knows all the bankers in town needed a strong drink and a lesson on expensive wine since soon they will not even be able to afford Ribena.

The tables were filled with so many glasses I thought I was assigned to wash them. This would have given Ina Raymundo a heart attack---- she of the ideal date being at a restaurant na 'basta huwag sa maraming kubyertos.'

HOKAY--so here is the summary you would submit to Brad Grey at Paramount if you want him to green light your film: (I HOPE you's knows dat Burgundies comes in whites and reds)

Burgundy is a region with the following 'hoods: Chablis, Cote de Nuits, Cote de Beaunem Cote Chalonnaise, Maconnais and Beaujolais. Chablis, Maconnais and Beaujolais are the most popular with Beaujolais having the reputation of cheapness.

It is cheap because it is Burgundy merely 'by location' which is like buying property with a "Beverly Hills Post Office' address or saying you live in Makati when it is really JP Rizal or saying you live on the Peak when you really live inside one of the WW2 bunkers together with illegal Chinese immigrants.

There are over 10,000 wine producers who grow and blend grapes and bottle wines out of chardonnay and pinot noir.

There are three classifications of vineyards: Grand Cru with 32 names which make up 1% of production (this is why you have to take out a mortgage to have a sip); Premiere Cru with 476 names making up 10-11% (buy this if you want to impress but not be cheap) and Village which accounts for 90% (Girls, you know your date is saving money if he orders this).

Knowing your wines to impress your friends and the chicks:

1) 2006 is a good year for whites. Puligny-Montrachet and Pouilly-Fuisse (being villages or'corners' if you had to 'splain this to Marlo and Omar) are popular with Americans but the Chassagne-Montrachet is great value and less popular with the peeps. The Uniqlo of the white wine world, if you will.

Of course you can always order a Chablis which goes with most Asian foods. (But personally, I think whiskey is better)

2) A moderately priced 'village' red would be 2002 Gevrey-Chambertin, Champerrier, 1er Domaine Tortochot, Cote de Nuits (more on DOMAINES later) would be 'manly' enough to impress a bird especially when you say that 2002 was one of the top 3 vintages in the last 15 years so you ain't so cheap and ignorant after all.

3) If you want to prove your manliness in choice and wallet at Morton's Steakhouse, order 2002 Vosne-Romanee, 1er Cru, Beaux Monts, Dme Bertagna, Cote de Beaune. At over 100 USD, the bird should at least give you head.

Another choice would be the 2002 Nuits St. Georges, les Cailles, 1er Cru, Patrice Rion, Cote de Nuits which would easily set you back over 150 USD but think of it as the reliable, wear with anything Maximillian fur that is elegant but not quite Fendi or Revillon.

A word about Domaines. Like Isaac couture and Isaac for Target, vineyards also do hi-low wine.

In other words, it ain't the same without a domaine. Well, sort of.

And that's it, in a grape seed, kids.

But I have a better plan for the guys. Instead of trying to learn all this, take a new date to a wine tasting. That way, you can a) impress her with your sophisticated idea of a date and b) take advantage of her later when she's drunk.