A: A LOT! (and there's going to be a whole lot of shakin' going on after you read this post! And I ain't talkin' booty!)
This is going to be a long and complicated post so you better make a cup of tea and sit down to read it.
Let me open this post be saying that thanks to MY SOS-YAL RESPONSIBILITY, I decided to abandon my plan of going to the 90% off Chloe sale. Instead, I dashed home to write before I forgot everything that I found out at lunch today.
Are we ready for Heard at Lunch with the patola vine who refuses to shaddap? I know Prince Charles advocates talking to plants but this plant really needs to shut its venus fly trap because it's catching so many insects!
This post is all about the whole truth about the pepper sprayer (and more) and nothing but the truth so help us Buddha if you are not busy with the Dalai Lama.
There is so much information that I have decided to break the story down into character segments. Think "LOST"
THE WHOLE TOWN SKIPPED TO MY LOU EXCEPT AN-GE-LU
On a regular bitchy day I would be the first to artista-bash any movie star in a black bikini with sparkles. But this time, I will have to award the Bill Clinton Responsibilty Initiative to ANGELU DE LEON.
If Ari Gold was her agent, she would have a contract at Paramount now.
WADDAP?? You social climbers ask.
WHELLL---the patola (or PATROLA at the rate she's going) says that when Let Us Spray (see entry of 19 November 2008) happened, the only person who helped 'da victims' get to the hospital was Angelu de Leon.
I'm not saying 'da victims' is free of sin like me (hahaha!) but based on the situation, she deserved help from as many people as possible. AND at least from the club management (who were probably too doped up or blind-dead?).
(Of course, if she was stealing a 20,000 HKD dress, then she's on her own)
Not helping may not be embarrassing but it is downright disgusting and a reflection of the pretentious societal behaviour one can expect from a segment of society for whom appearances and connections really matter, no matter the situation.
The Bitch-alyzer asks: Were people blinded by the spray, blinded by the lights, blinded by the coke or just pretending to be blind because they were afraid to offend 'da addicts'--ay este--- sprayer and the lover of sprayer? (Nagtatanong lang po)
KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER
If Angelu de Leon wins the Responsibility prize, PaPa, as we know and love to call her, wins the Anna Wintour Frenemy Prize for Ultimate Pretense in the category of Violence.
This one really spices up a pepper spray story.
Supposedly, that fateful night when people lost sight of all social responsibility, PaPa came up to hug 'da victims' then brought out the pepper spray and (seriously) nearly blinded her.
Why was PaPa paranoid? It seems like the lover of the sprayer (let's call him Rico PunO, baby) went to Boracay with 'da victims' and a group of friends at a time when his affair with PaPa was na-papalpak na.
But now everything is perfecto after she shot down his wife's house....(more on that later)
WANTED DEAD OR SECOND HAND
It seems like violence (together with drugs, drink and gambling of course) runs in la Famiglia PaPa. But kids, remember I have nothing against vices as long as you don't use my money or use my house.
Few years ago, PaPa Bro' killed people (or someone?) over the sale of a second hand car (a mini van or Straz???--alam mo naman ako, I don't know about cars bec nag-pa-public lang ako) which he refused to pay for because he had more important debts to take care of.
NO, non, no... NOT CITIBANK debts! Worse! Gambling debts!
After stealing and killing PaPa Bro' is now 'somewhere over the rainbow....'
Your guess is as good as mine. I bet he's in Vegas with Elvis, Dodi and Diana....Maybe he's even with the car!
The Bitch-alyzer moral: Never sell a second hand car to a gambler or drug addict especially if they can't pay you up front because there is a good chance that you will first lose your car (to him), your money (to him again) and your life (yet again to him)....Isn't THAT giving too much away?
But pa yung Chloe 90% off but this is a bad-ass give away!!
KILALA MO BA AKO?
The last time the late Inday Badiday asked a kid this question on her show she got this answer.
"Opo, bakla po kayo..."
But this has nothing to do with my story....or does it?
Strike One: Da word on da street is that 'da victims' wanted to file charges but da RIco PunO threatened her with, "Do you know who I am? I am the biggest de-lata company of the Century! We can everything and can stop you from doing anything..." The only thing they can't can is coke. Or they can't stop coke..Or they can't stop....Ay may Coke in cans na pala!!!
E-strike Two: Doble Cara
A make-up artist was hired to do make-up for the model (a mermaid?)of a commercial for the de-lata company (I hope this guy was paid unlike Juan Sarte of the SPLASHY cover-ad deal--is it a deal if talent wasn't paid? Ask Ari Gold).
THEN suddenly a chopper lands at the location and PaPa and RIco PunO come down and demand that PaPa gets her make-up done, too. At no extra charge.
The Bitch-alyzer wonders: Are commercial make-up artists mow doing two for one na parang Happy Hour?
Strike Three: wala pa but the following topic will surely be a BIG HIT in more ways than one.
GIRLZ IN DA 'HOOD
I didn't know 'the villages' have become 'hoods because the patola vine tells me that PaPa conducted a drive-by shooting outside the house of d'orig Mrs. RIco PunO.
I wonder if that was just practice. Or maaay--beee it was 'an accident' like the pepper spray event.
But then PaPa has also threatened the sister of Mrs RIco PunO who teaches yoga.
Alam niyo, baka kailangan ni PaPa mag-yoga para she can attain enlightenment, calm and peace of mind instead of giving people a piece of her mind through violence.
The Bitch-alyzer wonders: Did PaPa run out of pepper spray and resort to bullets or did she run out of bullets and resort to pepper spray?
Didja get everything? That's IT! The patola vines get locked in the greenhouse never to come out....until Monday!